He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Story written by MARC - an MS Peer and life coach
With the recent passing of my father, I have found myself in a more contemplative mood as I ponder the deaths of people I have known in my adult life who have gone on different (and better, I hope) places, often before their times. I bring these loved ones up now not to bum anyone out but rather to portray the complexities of the mourning process.The first time death struck was in the form of a suicide, a lovely co-worker of my mother-in-law who, with her charming fiancé, had become friends of ours shortly after Alida and I first moved to the city nearly 25 years ago. To our shock and dismay, Lisa had been battling mental illness and took her life a week before their wedding. Afterwards, we reached out to Manuko and were surprised to discover that he was no longer interested in maintaining a relationship with us, something we took personally at the time.
About ten years later, a dear, dear friend of mine, Ross, developed cancer inside his skull shortly after the birth of his daughter, Emma. And though it took several excruciating years, extensive chemo and much unfounded hope, Ross passed away, leaving behind four-year-old Emma, and his wife, Nancy. It turned out that so much attention had been paid to Ross that Emma’s extensive learning disabilities had not gotten the attention they had required, yet another issue poor Nancy had to deal with. After the years I spent being there for Ross while his body slowly deteriorated, I found myself emotionally depleted. Alida and I should have been there for Nancy and Emma, yet we couldn’t bring ourselves to continue maintaining the relationship. It was too painful. Ross had been the glue that kept us all together, and he was gone.
Then last year, our close friend Maureen passed away from lung cancer (she never smoked, dammit!) after giving everything she could to battle the disease for her husband and teenage daughter whom she loved so much. This death came as an especially devastating blow, so sudden it seemed, another beautiful person taken far too soon. This time, however, when her husband, Darius, chose to cut ties with us, I experienced a kind of revelation. I understood how a loss so severe can make relationships you had together too painful to endure. Rather than providing solace, these connections can serve as a harsh reminder of what you once had that has been taken away.
We all have our own ways of mourning and grieving. We can talk about the injustice in the world, the lack of rhyme or reason. Fortunately, my dad died of old age and enjoyed a mostly full, rewarding life. Coping with his passing has been easier for this reason. But for the others facing unspeakable loss, we are left to pick up the pieces the best we can, to honor the people who are gone from our lives, to live each day as fully and generously as possible, each in our own unique way.
I attach below a corny old song that seems to be a fitting way to end:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcLazPauA1c
Have a rewarding, productive week.
Peace,
Marc
marc@empirelifecoaching.com
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